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JOURNAL ARCHIVE 2006 |
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JOURNAL 12.12.06 Hey there. What do you know? I'm actually writing in my journal less than a month since my last entry. I went back and read my last entry. It struck me that it might be a bit of a bummer, so I figured since I've been a good mood and things seem to be moving along pretty good I should do a little writing now. I guess if I were to get the negative issues out of the way first, I would have to talk about my struggles financially. And I know I'm alone there, right? No else is dealing with money problems. Ok... my big issue is completely cliché and universal. Since this is my big problem of the moment, I have make sure I keep things in perspective. That's when I whip out my favorite phrase. “If this is the worst it gets, then life it going pretty damn good!”. That probably sums it up pretty well. I'm feeling pretty good over all. I'm basically moved into my new apartment. Still a few things left to take care of there. Putting up pictures. Tossing out a couple boxes. Nothing too big. My mother gave me wallpaper so I can line my cabinets in the kitchen, and though I hesitated to cover up the heinous blue flower print that was in there when I moved in, I went ahead and lined my cabinets. I must admit it was worth the effort. Now when I open a cabinet to get a cup or something, I'm not shocked by the burst 70's flavored patterns. I'm still getting used to extra space that I have in my one bedroom apartment. It can be brutal on my ADD (attention deficit disorder). When I get up to go to the bathroom, or get something to drink, it usually takes a second after I've rounded the corner into another room to forget what I was doing. Now when I lived in a studio, this was less of a problem for me. I could simply stand in the middle of the room and start turning. I would scan the room until I saw something that reminds me of what I was doing and I would get back to it. Now, however, I have to go from room to room on a quest to find what I was working on. The perils of a one bedroom apartment I'm afraid. :) That said, I like my new place. Work is going well. Still like it and the people I work with there. I'm seriously thinking about sticking around for at least another year. We'll see... Still in pre-production on The Legend of O. I've gone back and forth on how I wanted to distribute the final product. Initially, I figured it would be a short movie. Then I thought maybe I would turn it into a series for the web. Maybe show it on YouTube or something. Now, I think I'm going to do both. First we'll shoot it as a short movie and then, later, re-edit it into a series. That way we can add episodes down the road if people start watching. Robert Brown has been meeting with me as we figure out how we are going to approach the shoot. Robert is an up and coming cinematographer in the area and brings a lot of enthusiasm to the project. He was able to get building 6 at Chemeketa Community College on January 13th for the auditions. And we are, tentatively planning on shooting the first of February. I think we'll be doing any 48 hour film projects we can find as well. Along the creative track, I've been getting my self organized so that I can tackle more projects. Possibly develop stories I've filed away. One of things I've wanted to be focused on this year was writing. I'm actually taking on a short story as well. Still trying to get the outline where I want it before hash out the rest of the story. I'll post it here when I'm done. I also have started painting again. I'm limited with the canvases I have, but it's nice to put paint to canvas again. Though I have to admit, I'm not sure if it's worth a damn. Totally subjective I realize, but I would like for people to get it and enjoy what I do. Or at least enough people. :) I started working out yesterday. I'm not really celebrating that I've finally gotten myself back into the gym. It's way to early to pat myself on the back. I do feel good about it. Been wanting to get back to it for quite awhile. I'm being patient about it and not killing myself the first week or so. I think that I'm going to begin training for throwing again. I think that I've gotten to a point where I'm settled enough that I can get out there and start drilling and throwing. I know if I get after it, I will be one of the best in the country in my age group. Another thing we'll see about. Thank you for reading my ramblings here. Though I don't always know if people are checking in, I still want to sincerely thank you for taking the time. It means a lot to me. Don't forget to sign the guestbook...
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JOURNAL 11.16.06 I realize we all have those stretches of time in our life when it feels as if problems come from a boiling, never ending stream. I don't mean to say something as dramatic as the world is crashing down around me, but it certainly feels as if big chunks of the sky are falling, consistently. I'm not going to list each moment that has chipped away at me. I hope that you will understand, for me, it has given me an emotional trouncing. Last year, for me, was awful. I was so unhappy, unfocused, and missing any real guide. But I never thought it was beyond that point where things couldn't make the turn upward. In fact, I still believe that I will come out of this unlabeled haze, still standing, and happily I will forget it. Leave it behind. Out of frustration, I try to evaluate the whys. When I understand the whys of what I'm dealing, I feel a level comfort and patience. When, like now, things make no sense to me, I feel that pressure from around me squeeze a bit. Enough that I'm not comfortable, but no enough that I will let myself feel defeated. Moving on... There are times when I simply do not understand people. Why some people do what they do. Say what they say. I moved into a great little cottage in Keizer. It was inexpensive and I have to admit, I like the place. The landlord, as it turns out, is... how do I put this? From years of experience working with a full spectrum of physical and mental disabilities, she is what I would call... bat shit crazy. I'm not sure if that is the technical label, but it is accurate none the less. I moved in just after camp and in two months she has given me 2 notices to move in 30 days. The first time she later apologized and told me that she had lied about her mother needing the place and wished I would stay. I felt relieved to not have to look for another place, so I stayed. She also promised that she wasn't crazy. I asked her to show me sometime. She hasn't. So today, she hands me another notice, asking me to move in 30 days because, again, her mother will need the place. I probably don't need to tell you, but I was a bit miffed. And I let her know. I assure you that I did hold back. How else can I get my deposit back? I'm frustrated, but moving on... As you can see, I've done a major renovation to the website. A polish I've been wanting to do for a long time. The domain name is going to change as well. I don't know why it didn't occur to me before, because it seems so obvious to me now, but why not simply use my name for the domain name? So the site name will become ScottHartmann.com. I'm always open to suggestions. If you have any ideas that could improve the site please drop me an email and let me know your thoughts. I got the job at the Oregon School for the Deaf. When I was interviewed, one of the questions asked was how I rate my sign language on a scale of 1 to 5. Five being great. I replied that if I know the word, a five, and if I didn't a 0. I thought it was funny, and I got the job. I'm working graveyards in the boys dorm. I have to admit I like it. I like the people I work with here. Most of them are good people with the best of intentions. The kids are all pretty good as well. Normal teenagers. So there ups and downs with that. Nothing you might not expect. One of the great things about this particular job, beyond not being bothered through the night, is having time while I'm at work to also work on my own projects while I'm here. I have to admit, it's tempting to stick around more than just this year. Moving on...I recently joined Gold's Gym in Keizer and then got sick. Figures. I plan on working out after work everyday. Frankly, I'm tired of being such a big guy and the truth is I need to find a way to change my lifestyle. Don't see a lot of 300 pound, 80 year old men walking around. Might even throw Master's track this year. Lots of work to get ready. Moving on... I'm in pre-production on my short THE LEGEND OF O. Comedic short movie about a guy who gets super powers. The twist being that his “power” is the ability to make people orgasm with a touch. So, with his new super power, he sets out to fight crime. I began writing it as feature film as well. So when I was done with the short version I would then try and raise money for the feature. However, I ran across a trailer for a movie by the guys from South Park, that I've never seen, and realized that the concepts were too close. So I scrapped the feature idea. A buddy of mine, Robert Brown, is helping me out and will be the cinematographer. My goal for this project is to up the production value and make a funny movie. Robert has committed his equipment and himself if I ever interested in shooting a feature length movie. Tempting... I've pulled out my paints again and will be working on a few new ideas I have. See if I can pull that off. I'm also putting together a directors reel. A highlight demo of my movies that I will be able to send out for grad school applications. I haven't
given up on grad school. I have decided that if I'm going to grad school
to study film production then I want to go to school back in the Los
Angeles area. I miss the area. I miss my friends there. I miss the
weather. I miss the weather... did I write that twice? And the reality
is that if you want to make movies, there isn't a more obvious place.
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JOURNAL ENTRY 7.19.06 In a seldom seen, and in rare form, I’m adding a journal entry long before I have to say something about how long it’s been since my last entry. I don’t know that this will be a pattern of any sort, but none the less I’m writing now. I’m still working at camp. And though there is a lot of work to do and the hours are really long… it is camp. It’s great to be able to be in such a beautiful place. It’s been a good battery charge for me. It’s done wonders for my mental health for sure. It’s extraordinary that a place I went to as a camper is still very much the same experience for the kids coming here now. The tradition of camp Silver Creek has meant a lot to me, so I’m particularly happy that I’ve been able to work here again. I went to my high school reunion just last weekend. WOW! What a surreal experience. I have to admit it was completely overwhelming to me initially. I still haven’t figured out precisely why that was, but I had to grab a seat at the welcoming table. It sort of functioned as a filter for me so I could welcome people, hand them there name tag, and still not feel obligated to interact more than I was able cope with at that moment. I settled down after a bit, went in, got my self a cocktail and had a great time. I was really amazed at how good the ladies I went to school looked. A lot of the guys have stayed in pretty good shape too. There were a couple extreme changes in classmates that were a bit of surprise and well discussed ;). It was a wonderful experience being able to talk to all these people I had spent so many years with and see what they are doing these days. I admit that, on occasion, I’ve wonder what has happened to all these people. I was genuinely pleased with how many people were as a interested what was happening with me as I was with them. I was flattered by many of the compliments that were tossed my way. I was actually referred to as a “hottie”. I still chuckled to myself when I think about it. Most everyone was very pleasant and I think we all had a good time. I found myself interested in staying contact with them and thinking it would be really great to be able to maintain some sort of relationship. Email, drinks, etc. Today is my interview with the School for the Deaf. I’m not really nervous about it. I will probably be sitting with the same people I interviewed with before. It was very comfortable and I think it might somewhat a formality, but those can always be famous last words. I’m not really sure what I will do if I don’t get that job. I’ve sort of planned around it. So it could get real interesting real quick if this doesn’t come together…. Stay tuned. |
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July 11, 2006 - I woke up the one recent morning before I had finally moved out of my apartment and gone off to camp. And as unusual as it was for me, I remembered my dream. I still remember the dream. As I teetered in the grey between being conscious and the mist of dreamland. I somehow realized my position and I pulled with me the memories of the dream into reality. The images and feelings attached were as vivid to me when I woke as I had originally experienced them. It was overcast as I stood on the beach. To my left there were black rocks blocking the beach and pushing out well into water as they slid into the ocean. I seem recall being there for a vacation, and pleased that I was finally able to get away. As settled myself with the comfort of being there and taking in the calm, I was distracted by an object floating the water coming around the rocks. It bobbed in the grey-green of the ebb and flow. I looked closer and it sunk in that it was my laundry bag, full of my clothes I assumed, and it was floating out in the ocean. I worked to understand the strange image of a bag of my clothing floating away from me as yet another object followed the laundry bag. It moved up and down as it passed around the rocks. This was my camera case. Then in the train of my personal effects was my computer. I was ill. My personal things swimming out in front of me. Beyond my reach and out of my control. That pretty much sums up how I’ve felt for many months about my life as it laid out over the last few months. I knew that this last year might be a bit of a struggle for me. In fact I intentionally put myself into this sort of precarious position so that I might be able better show economic need for my future aspirations in graduate school. At least that was the dim light I held out in front of myself to make enduring my choice of low paying employment, poor social life, and generally sliding mental health a bit easier. The plan was for me to deal with all this “hardship” and get into Chapman University’s film production conservatory Fall of 2006. Move back to Southern California and onto next great journey of my life. In retrospect I suppose I better understand why people apply to several graduate schools. The whole Chapman University situation crumbled around me after I put my in my application. They told me that they were running behind on application reviews and I would hear some thing no later than the end of March. It wasn’t until Mid April that I found out they had dropped my application (I had to go find this out, I wasn’t contacted) because they had tried to contact me for an interview and I didn’t respond. Which was simply untrue. Something that was verified by the admissions people at Chapman. However, the damage was done. While my application lay in some virtual garbage can they were sending out acceptance letters. I did get an interview. It went REALLY well. I enjoyed the interaction with the professor I interviewed. He told me that the department was impressed with my application. I figured I was in… until I got the letter from Chapman University saying that they appreciated everything, but because space was limited I was being put on a waiting list. And so I wait… Hardly with baited breathe. I had a similar experience when I tried to apply for scholarships. It can be really frustrating and defeating to do things precisely the way you were told and have some one unknown to you mess up leaving me simply to “deal with it”. So I guess that’s what I’m doing now. I’m back up at camp. YMCA Camp Silver Creek. Near Silverton Oregon. A beautiful place. Easily one of greatest places I’ve ever experienced. I was asked several times if I was getting excited about camp starting. Each time I answered honestly that I wasn’t really excited, but I was ready. I had so many other things happening I didn’t have the time to think too much about it. I had to pack up my apartment and get my stuff crammed into a storage unit. Making me essentially homeless for the summer. Which isn’t a huge deal since I’ll be up at camp for most of it anyway. About ten minutes after we arrived up at camp and started unloading all of things we were going to need to make the summer go, it hit me. I was excited. I was genuinely pleased to be here. And in spite of staying busy from the time I roll out of bed until lay back down I’ve been feeling pretty good. Camp is going well and I’m impressed with the quality of the staff up here this year. Hopefully I won’t jinx anything, but I think this could be a really good summer at camp. As to my future… I think I’m going to stick around Salem for another year. It’s such a strange thing for me. As I’ve said for about a decade that I will “never” live in Salem again. And here I am heading into my second year here. I decided that it would make sense for me to stay so that I can get some of finances in order, send out more applications for graduate schools, and take time out to get off my big butt and exercise. Moving and getting resettled would be too difficult right now. I’m interviewing for a position at the Oregon school for the Deaf next week. So we’ll see how that plays out. Since I’m planning on sticking around, I’m also planning on taking on some projects. One in particular I want to get going is based off a short screenplay I’ve written. The idea is to shoot the short version of the movie. As much to see if the story holds up and is as funny as I think it is. Then I want to edit together a teaser trailer to put into a promo package. Which I will send out to see what sort of financing I can arrange so that the completed short can be turned into a feature length movie. It’s a challenge that I think I’m up for and probably should have tried to take on before. If you are interested in investing let me know. This weekend I’m going to my high school class reunion. As wild as it might sound it is my twentieth. I’m excited and an a little anxious about it. I’m always curious what happens with people. I’ve rattled on enough here for now. Possibly the longest journal entry I’ve ever done. Thanks for checking in. Drop me a line and let me know you were here.
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January, 22. 2006 I’m not sure precisely why, but it is easy for me to let the journal here go untouched for a long time. I hear that there are people who write paragraphs in blogs everyday. I can’t imagine anyone being that interested my day to day enough for me to have the motivation to do that. I’ve very sad about the loss of a good friend. I got a call Friday night and I was told that Todd Savorelli, one of the guys from group home I work at for years, had past away while taking a nap. Todd was definitely special to me. We’d stayed in contact after I left California. We chatted occasionally and he was my only friend from California to come to Oregon and visit. He was in a few of the movies I made and did a good job. It is such a cliché thing to say, but completely accurate when I say Todd was a sweet, sensitive guy. He was one of great things about working at the house and no question was more than a client to me. He was my friend. I will miss him very much. Well I’m just about completely dissatisfied with work now and I have finally figured out that I need to be more proactive about pursuing other work while I’m staying in Oregon. Not to be totally negative about my situation, because the people at the Y have been really good to me and I have to admit I like having chunks of time to myself. That said I need to make more money. As it turns out they want you to pay back the money you borrow to go to school. Same thing with those credit cards. I wish someone would have told me long before this. hehe Ok, so I was told. I’m still working on my graduate school admissions paperwork. I have no idea, nor excuses for why I haven’t finished it yet. Granted there is a lot of writing to do and I’m still not great at getting anything done with out there being a specific deadline. So I tick away at it. I do feel good about what I’ve done so far. I’ve also heard that there are more opportunities for money to pay for school than I knew about originally. That was exciting for me. Don’t get me wrong. I still realize that this process of getting into school and paying for it is a long way from being set. I’m taking classes part-time online at Chemeketa. A philosophy and a poetry course. Both are subjects that I’ve always wanted to study and I’m finding them interesting and challenging in their own ways. And I think that it will help to keep my brain working while transition here. It looks as if a few of my movies will be showing at the Mid-Valley Video Festival at the end of February. I don’t know for sure what movies will make it in the festival, but I’m pretty excited anyway. I plan on inviting a bunch of people to come check it out. It’s always exhilarating and nerve racking to show my work to audiences. If you are interested here is link to the site for festival. www.mvvfest.org Well, this was a pretty mundane journal entry, but I do intend on writing much sooner for the next one. Thanks for checking in with me. Best, Scott
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JOURNAL ARCHIVE 2006 |
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